The other day, Maria and I were having a moment of delirium and started talking about human organs as if there were actual people. This whole convo started on my first day back from having the actual flu and Taco Tuesday was on the menu. While I indulged, my stomach made it VERY CLEAR that it was not quite up to processing the ingredients composing the aforementioned taco (salad in my case).
So Maria and I started imagining what my stomach would say to me if it had the ability to do such things. And then we came up with Organ Superlatives–kinda like Senior Superlatives in high school.
Friendly Organs
Liver– Most Friendly; Best All-around. The liver is the single mom of the body.. Under appreciated, mostly ignored. Hard worker, quietly toiling away juggling multiple tasks such as cleaning up toxicity, making proteins, and filtering blood. It’ll even take on the work of others when needed (no gallbladder, no problem). Too many bad life choices? The liver still supports you and helps clean up the mess. The liver only complains when it’s been abused too much.
Skin–Best Overall. Skin is inclusive. Welcoming. Keeps everyone together. Acts as an ambassador out meeting everyone
Colon--Most overlooked. Works quietly in the dark for years doing the worst tasks imaginable without making a fuss. Can grow resentful when ignored.
Brain–Literally the IT kid in school. Can make you feel good or bad. Keeps the heart in check. Works quietly but can be a real bitch when aggravated.
Heart–Most Athletic. Plays all the sports. Works out all the time. Knows that it can dominate all the others opponents. Knows its the absolute star on the team. A little selfish. Wanting all the oxygen and blood for itself.
Lungs– Cutest Couple. Works better together. Will keep going when one dies. BFFs with the heart
Bladder— Most easy-going. Friendly, flexible, goes with the flow. Reminds you to drink more water
Spleen– Most welcoming. The spleen is like the freshman advisor. Takes little lymphocytes and teaches them what they need to do to graduate
Clitoris–Biggest flirt. Need we say more
Not so friendly organs
Pancreas–Shadiest organ. Most likely to be on an episode of Dateline. The pancreas sits in the corner of the basement chain-smoking menthols during a AA meeting. It doesn’t bother anyone, but if you accidentally bump in to it, the all bets are off and fisticuffs ensue. When it gets angry, other organs suffer.
Gallbladder–Jerkiest organ. Your emotionally unstable friend that you never know how they will react in any situation. Will turn on you in a hot minute. Also will hold a grudge forever and piles up stones until you’re basically dying.
Stomach— Harsh environment. Can be very fickle.
Appendix–Emo goth kid still trying to figure out its purpose and reason for existence. Literally worthless unless it’s trying to kill you.
Ovaries–Definitely the Mean Girls of high school. Back-stabbing, popular, rich bitches who can make you popular. They can give you all the things the cool kids have (boobs, estrogen, kids if you want them). On the flip side, they can also cause pain and kill you if you ignore them.
Uterus— Most likely to get a red card for being dramatic. Will cramp up for no reason. Bullies stomach and intestines into beating you up too.
Kidneys— Mean beans who try to drag everyone else down. They will throw rocks at you just for not meeting their “demands”. They are also pretty condescending.
Testicles--Wall Street Bros of the body. They work way too hard doing a task that’s mostly unnecessary. They aren’t especially productive, but get way too much credit. Are overly sensitive to criticism.
Falling in love is hard on the knees (Aerosmith)
