I’ve been home for a few weeks now. I’m out on disability. A bruised trachea apparently takes a few weeks to heal. Who knew? The PTSD from being assaulted takes a lot longer. I wonder if I’ll ever feel comfortable seeing patients one-on-one again. I got into psychiatry because of Chris. At the time, I didn’t realize it. But when I was deciding on my speciality, I think subconsciously I thought if I understood Chris better, I could save our relationship. Now, I know that the end wasn’t really about me. Chris had/ has his own demons and until he faces them, he’s never going be able to love someone.
One of the last conversations I had with Chris–when I thought that we still had a chance– was him saying to me “Do you have any idea how much I hate myself?” And I didn’t. How could I? I have moments of self-doubt and moments when I question myself, and call myself an idiot, but hate myself? Never.
I try to call out for Lily. My voice is still scratchy and doesn’t sound like me. I refill my mug of hot tea and return to the couch. I resume journaling. What can I say? How do I process this. A patient–a psychotic patient– tried to kill me with his bare hands. Chris also once tried to kill me once. He was in the midst of a PTSD flashback and didn’t really have the strength to do anything. But waking up with an arm across my trachea was a rude awakening. Literally..
My patient, however, had the strength of 1000 humans and if my co-workers hadn’t been there. . . or if I’d been in my office . . . well, I wouldn’t be here at all.
Originally, I had thought to do child and adolescent psychiatry. It was a more natural transition for someone who had always worked in pediatrics. I’ve recently applied for a C&A fellowship.. I know I wish I had had someone like me when I was a kid.
I think it’s time to start a new chapter in life. If I get the fellowship I’ve applied for, I’ll move across the country. To Seattle. Far away from Chris. Far away from the memories. I met Chris when I was 23 years old. He’s been a larger than life presence in my life almost my entire adult life. I am 36 years old. I think it’s time for me to move on from Chris. And if I need to move across the country to do it, then I guess that’s what I’ll do.
