The conversation with Chris did not go as planned.
Perhaps neither of us were in the right frame of mind for such. After all, we were in a phase. Kinda hard to describe phase, but suffice to say all the partying I didn’t do as a rebellious teenager, Chris and I were doing now. Drug fueled debauchery and then it’s off to save the tiny humans. Even I can’t suspend disbelief long enough to believe that this is now my life.
Call rooms aren’t just for sleeping. Or adrenaline fueled sex. The amount of coke I’ve consumed in the call room isn’t none. And my own twisted thoughts say –well, if you’re going to overdose on drugs, at least you’re in a hospital. It’s far more comfortable than the street. If that’s not mental, then what is?
AND it was one of those days where I [probably we, but definitely I] had had too much cocaine, too much adrenaline fueled sex, and not enough vodka when I told Chris that I was accepted to medical school and I had accepted my acceptance.
“Why are you telling me this now? How long have you known? When did you even apply? Fuck, Liza…I don’t even know you any more”
“Whose fault is that? You are the one who has been missing in action while hiding in plain sight since your sister died. And I get it, you two were close. She was part of you and now that’s gone. I don’t know how else to help you grieve. And I’m almost positive that you’re doing a lot more of this than you let on.”
“You haven no idea. You have no one. Not a sibling and especially not a twin. You can’t imagine. And fuck you. I still go to work and take care of patients so who the fuck cares what I do in my off time.”
“But you’re not exactly off when we’re getting high in the call room bathroom. And then fucking for hours. And I can’t exactly reach you when you’re off. And you know what, I don’t do any of this when I’m back home. Only when I’m with you. So maybe that’s the answer. I can’t help you. You can’t help yourself. So when you evidently overdose, I hope it’s where someone finds you in time, because I am done. With all of this.”
My head was swirling with rage. And adrenaline; And too much cocaine. It didn’t help that the hospital hallway lights were motion-detected,, and that every step caused another light to turn on. Then off.. Then on again. My only saving grace is that the call room is near medical offices and medical offices are generally deserted at 1am so no one saw me leave.
“Liza, wait.” Chris followed me to the parking lot.
“What the fuck do you want? I came here to share my good news, and not only did you try to rain on my parade, you tried to cancel it all together.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do”
“You need to get yourself together. Or you’re going to lose a lot more than me. I can’t be around this. Or you when you’re like this. Call me when you figure things out.”
I got into my car and pulled away. In the distance I could see the purple electrical storm dimly lighting up the dark night sky.
”