Chris and I went on our first vacation together.
I love going to the beach in winter where other people are practically non-existent. We rented a house that had a hot tub and fireplace. We played house, and pretended that everything was perfect in our own little world.
“What are we doing?” I asked Chris. To be fair, the question *did* seem to come from left field, but I’d been thinking about nothing else for the last two days.
“Ummmmm…cooking dinner.” He replied, clearly not grasping my deeper meaning.
“No. I mean here. us. this. We’re pretending to be a happy couple. But the truth is we’re never together. We’re never alone. When I come see you, you are at the hospital. We don’t go to the movies, or out to eat, or hang out with other couples. We can’t make plans or even do mundane things together because we’re never together. Or at least never together out in public.. I am so tired of the distance between us”
What do you suggest?” Chris asked, clearly caught off guard because I had never brought any of this up before
“I applied to be on the transport team at work”
This is true. I applied at the urging of my co-workers. I hadn’t told *anyone* that I’d passed the first two rounds of interviews/tests.
“It’s a big deal. I’ve only got flight training left to do before I’m ‘official’, but it comes with a two year contract.”
“Oh. I just kind of assumed that you’d move back eventually.”
“But why? Why did you assume that *I’d* be the one to give up my career goals to accommodate you? You’re already established. You know what you want. I don’t. I’m still trying to figure it all out. Transport is a young person’s field for sure, but I’m still not sure I want to become a physician.”
“But why not. You’d be an amazing one. Trust me. You’re already better than some of my colleagues.”
“Because it’s a lot. I don’t want to be in school forever.”
I feel this conversation was going to turn into an argument and an argument is the last thing I wanted to happen while on vacation with Chris. So I just dropped it. We ate dinner in relative silence.
“Hey Chris, do you want to go for a walk on the beach?
“What? That’s crazy. It’s cold out there.”
“Well that’s the beauty of a beach in the winter. It’s usually deserted.”
I grabbed a blanket and my coat and headed out the door. With or without Chris, I was going to enjoy the beach. He caught up to me and took my hand.
“Hey Liza, I’m sorry. All this took me off guard. I don’t like this distance between us either, but moving is hard. For both of us. We would have to get a new state license and background check and well, none of that is going to happen quickly. I just want to be with you.”
“But why does that mean I have to give up on all my dreams.”
“It doesn’t”
Chris pulled me closer and kissed me. The wind started to get more intense. “Let’s go back”
“No. Let’s stay. I brought a blanket for a reason.” I smiled at him, perhaps he saw the glint in my eyes.
We stopped and spread the blanket on the beach and watched the storm roll in. It was big enough that we could wrap it around us too. We held each other close, and then it started to snow. On the beach, and a snow covered beach is weird and beautiful. And not something I get to experience often. Or ever. I turned to Chris and said “this is everything.”
And it is. Everything else faded away. The distance. The future. All that is here is the now.