The Night Shift
Chapter 45: All too well
I’ve become a Swiftie. Or more accurately, I’ve been playing one Taylor Swift on repeat. Ad nauseam. Chris and I broke up some time ago–in spectacular fashion.And I’ve recently come across this song which perfectly encapsulates the entire saga of Eliza Marie and Chris.
‘You kept me like a secret and I kept you like an oath.’ That line of the song hits so hard, because I was 100% faithful to Chris and he wasn’t. Not just in the obvious way of not starting to date someone else while we were still together, but in the less obvious ways of keeping all his secrets. For better or worse, I’m like a vault. Secrets go in, but I don’t let them out.
The reason all this is coming back up is I recently had a conversation with an old RT classmate who I haven’t seen since graduation. I didn’t even bother to tell her that I’m now a physician–we were never really friends. At first it was surface level catching up–, where do/did you work, that kind of stuff. And it came out that we had worked at the same place at different times and therefore knew a lot of the same people.
“Oh so you probably know my ex then…” she mentioned casually.
‘Maybe. I really didn’t talk to a lot of people when I worked there. Just kind of went to work, did my job, and went home.
‘I bet you did though.His name is Chris. He was the medical director there. Although I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s my ex. We were more like fuckbuddies. I’d still be fucking him if I weren’t in the relationship I’m in now, because that man in bed–he’s something else.’ she chatted on…
It was at that moment I was grateful to be sitting down because I’m quite sure I would have fallen. As it was, I felt the blood drain from my face and then my face get hot. Images of the last time I saw him, standing there at the door in a t-shirt and boxers, green eyes fixed in an expression I’d never seen, hair ruffled, telling me ‘you need to leave. I have company’ flashed through my mind. I could barely manage to keep my composure but I managed to choke out “Oh that’s interesting, I always thought he was gay or bi’.
She prattled on about him definitely NOT being gay, but all I could think of was dancing in the kitchen with the oven light on with music playing lightly in the background or the weekend we spent in the mountains never leaving the converted carriage house except to forage for food. Blankets on the beach with only the stars for lights and salty kisses in the outdoor shower. Cozy conversations in front of the crackling fire. Tigs.
Inside I was breaking. Again.
And I remembered everything about our story all too well.
Chapter 44: Someone I used to know
I have known Chris practically my entire adult life. Or at least I thought I did. It took three years for us to have a first date and another 18-months for us to live in the same city. And between then and now we had some amazing times. He inspired me to go back to medical school. For a brief moment in time, I had a fantasy that together we could rule medicine. He with the adults, and me with the tiny humans. And for a brief time, our life together was amazing. But then drugs entered the picture, and nothing was the same since. I stayed with him through med school and his rehabilitation phase, but like most things, it wasn’t real
Through four years of medical school, things were idyllic. Nobody describes medical school as idyllic, but I did. Living with Chris during medical school was the best of both worlds. I had a long term partner. I had security, And I had kind of a built in professor. His role as adjunct prof at the school he attended was a blessing in disguise.
Even MS-3, which is hard on many levels, was perfect. On the nights I had overnight call, Chris packed me lunch. He made sure I had clean clothes and food to eat. He made studying easy because all I had to worry about was learning. Life was taken care of. Our cat, Tigs, was cared for; I didn’t have to worry about ‘did I feed Tigs’ or did I scoop the poop because Chris did that too.
I matched to my second choice. First choice in programs; second in location. Too far to stay with Chris but not as far as when we started dating.
Intern year was hard. New city. New hospital. Learning a lot. Missing Chris. I got a cat. Her name is Lily.
Chris and I started to grow apart. I always assumed after intern year things would get better. And they did, for a while. But Chris was dealing with his own demons. And he stated shutting me out. And when he started shutting me out, I felt myself pulling back too. Self-protection, I guess. A couple days between face-times turned into a week, then weeks, turned into a month. Then one day, it was like we never existed.
He became someone I used to know and I hardly even knew myself.
