Advice (that you probably shouldn’t follow)

Readjusting After Medical Separation

There’s a long version and a short version of what happened.

Short story: I was medically separated from the Peace Corps on January 4, 2020 after being evacuated on December 23, 2019. I was shipped out of the country just before the government shutdown started. PC’s theory was, and it seems plausible, that the impending government shutdown would impede my departure if we waited until the official required separation date. Only 3 people in the USA knew I was coming home which allowed for surprise reunions with some of my favorite people.

The kidless were glad I was back in the USA

Long Story:

On November 19, I was walking to meet some fellow volunteers at a restaurant, and tripped and fell on some rocks lining the sidewalks. I stumbled, almost regained my balance, but couldn’t and resigned myself to falling. I fell. It hurt. I didn’t rip my jeans so I thought everything would be OK… a bruise, but nothing major.

I was wrong. So very wrong.

I managed to make it to the restaurant, but I could feel my leg swelling rapidly. Another volunteer was headed back to our hotel so he and I walked back together. I cleaned the wound the best I could with the materials I had, and talked to one of my friends and told her to come check on me in the morning because I was concerned that I might not be able to walk.

The next morning I could walk, but my leg was definitely swollen. I sent a quick text to the PCMO who was scheduled to be at training later that morning anyway. It read something like ‘I fell last night and have some significant swelling in my left leg. I can bear weight, but walking in painful.’ NBD.

Later that day, the PCMO thought that I should have x-rays even though she didn’t think anything was broken.

And she was right… Nothing was broken, but I had a ‘soft-tissue injury’. I was put on ‘conservative therapy’ ie leg immobilization and bed rest for a few days. The prognosis: I’d be back to normal within a few days.

The truth was I never left med hold until I was leaving the country. I never expected a ‘bruise’ to be a injury Peace Corps’ couldn’t handle. I never expected to be medically separated for a bruise. A few days turned into a week and a week turned into three weeks. After three weeks, still having difficulty ambulating, I had to push the PCMO to order a MRI on my leg. I finally got the MRI on December 17, had a consultation with an orthopedist on December 18, and began physical therapy on December 19. All of this happened after I insisted on consultation with the other PCMO. And then the decision was made to send me back to the US on December 22 after only 3 PT sessions. I’m not sure if the PCMO took umbridge with someone questioning her medical decisions or what, but despite making progress in PT, it was decided that Peace Corps’ could no longer treat my injury in country.

Moto riding and leg injuries are mutually exclusive

I figured I’d have to get used to American English, flush toilets, driving, and winter, among other things. I’ve heard about how much harder ‘reverse culture shock’ is from regular culture shock. The the readjustment to fast-pace American life is a much more difficult transition than the transition to rural ‘African’ life. But I was prepared for that. As far as American life goes, my pace is much slower than the average American. I live in rural South Carolina and while it’s not quite the same as rural Rwanda, there are a lot of similarities. What I was not prepared for was dealing with medical separation during a ‘partial’ government shutdown; I was sent out of the country where I was receiving adequate treatment to a country [my own] where I’m unable to receive medical treatment because of a pissing contest between the two major parties of the American government.

 

Long-term med hold sucks

You see, medical evacuation and separation is fiercely different than a typical COS, or even an ET. Most PCVs have weeks or months to wrap up projects, pack, and say goodbye. I had two hours. Most end their service with world travel. I ended mine with uncertainty. Most PCVs get to prepare for life in the States again, looking for jobs and finding a place to live. I was on a plane 36 hours after they determined I would be leaving for good.

I had no idea the emotional toll of all this. I was prepared to serve as a health volunteer to the best of my ability for the entire 27 months. Despite the difficulties [Newsflash: Peace Corps service is hard]. Despite the hardship. [It‘s not the spotty electricity or the non-potable water; its the overwhelming loneliness that will get you.] And despite any other difficulties that may have popped up.

Rather than simply dealing with life back in the States, I have had to deal with being torn away from my job, my home, [not]mycat, and my friends, then be sent back to friends and family who just can’t understand it all. Because you can’t understand it unless you’ve been through it.

I’m still readjusting. Every. Single. Day. Some days I still feel homesickness for my life in Rwanda. Not every day, but more days than not. My guess is the longer I am here [in America], the less I’ll miss Rwanda.

I know my life has been fundamentally changed through my experience with the Peace Corps. I know some things will never be as they were before I left. I have changed. But in some ways, I am still transitioning back. It’s taken longer than I ever thought it would.

Turi kumwe, Y’all

Holidays and Exams

It’s been a busy week out here in training-land.  3 holidays in one week, and only one day off. July 1 is Rwandan Independence Day [but it’s not celebrated].  July 4 is both American Independence Day and Rwandan Liberation Day, and for us, our only day off.  My fellow trainees and I went to the local hotel,  had pizza, fajitas, cinnamon rolls, and Fanta [or beverage of  your choice].  For me it was a welcome day off from the onslaught of language classes that the week brought.

On Saturday, we had our a mid-training language exam.  The target at this stage is Novice-high, but I have a plan. My plan is to score Novice-Mid, get put in remedial Kinyarwanda class, get extra speaking practice, and then WOW everyone at the final exam with my Kinyarwanda prowess. But here’s the real deal, I have performance anxiety, and I have had it for years. I almost didn’t graduate from college with my Spanish degree because I had such anxiety for my final oral exam.  And this was with my professor who I had known for three years, and was very familiar talking to him.  So while yes, I am older and wiser, but I still have so much anxiety concerning ‘public speaking.’


On Friday, I picked up my first tailor-made shirt.

On Saturday, after our mid-training language exam, I went to the talent show at my host sister’s school. There was singing. And traditional dancing.  And Drumming. There was a skit [in Kinyarwanda–I didn’t understand any of it], and some kid read the news.  And then there was ‘fashion’.  Fashion consists of about 10 couples of modelling different African fashions.  And these kids are stylish.  And they have real talent… unlike most of the talent shows I have been to  in the past.

Every so often, I see beauty in unexpected places.

Every.Single.Thing. I Packed for Madagascar

More than 1500 coherent words on what I packed for two years in Madagascar from the kind of suitcase I had to everything I put in said suitcase; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Pre-packing (is that even a thing?)

I found out in July 2017 that I’d been accepted into Peace Corps | Madagascar. That left me with 7 months to pack and clean out my apartment, and seven months to obsess about what to pack. This from someone who hates to pack. And someone who hates to shop. And then I went and bought a house in October 2017. I had already planned vacation for December 2018. So I packed for Madagascar as well as my vacation to Germany/France in December while I was packing up the apartment for the impending move. I scoured other PC blogs’ packing lists–for Madagascar, other African countries, even cold weather Eastern Europe/Asian countries… just to see what I was up against. I drudged through Amazon customer reviews, and wandered up and down REI’s aisles without buying a thing.

Not related at all, but a somewhat ironic tangent: I was once in charge of logistics for planning my college’s fencing team flight from Greenville to Philadelphia and securing lodging while in Philadelphia. 13 college students, flying with sabres, foils, and  epees constantly reminding them not to say ‘weapons’ in an airport even though that is totally what they are called collectively.  Reminding people to pack clothing separately from fencing gear in case bags were confiscated, and yet I forgot socks.

Packing Premises

Other journeys have similarly been fraught with packing mistakes and my most epic one to date is getting to the airport only to find out I’d brought my recently expired passport instead of the new, active one. Thankfully it was about 1 in the afternoon, traffic was reasonable, and I lived 20 minutes away instead of an hour away like I do now.Before I start the list, here are the premises I’m working on:

  • Despite popular opinion, this is not a 2 year camping/backpacking trip. I will be living mostly in one place for 2 years. A place that most likely lacks indoor plumbing and electricity.
  • Madagascar is a poor country. No need to have $200 hiking boots when most, if not all, of my neighbors will be barefoot. All the time.
  • I’ll forget something. Hopefully, it won’t be my passport. Or underwear.
A giant duffel bag–with wheels, a hiking backpack, a school backpack x2 and a messenger bag. Not all of these bags are going to Madagascar. At least not at first. One bag has the December vacation clothing in it.

Stress. Personified.

For me packing is one of the most stressful aspects of preparing for service. I think, “how the hell am I going to fit 2 years’ worth of stuff in 2 bags?” Just so you know know, the Peace Corps | Madagascar handbook was useless. So I put together my own list of what I thought would be helpful.

This will hopefully take care of a lot of your potential questions up front, but please feel free to message me or comment if you have a specific question, or if you don’t see something on this list and wonder if you should take it. [Caveat: I am the proud owner of 2 X chromosomes so this is aimed at fellow XX-ers more than guys, but most of these suggestions also apply to men… except, you know, the parts about bringing skirts, bras, and diva cups.]

The first thing to keep in mind is that no amount of stuff will make it easy, and no one item will make the difference between having a great experience and a terrible one. The second thing is to keep in mind that even though 2 bags doesn’t sound like a lot, you will still have way more stuff than any of your neighbors have. Having 3 pairs of shoes to carry you for the next 2 years might not sound like a lot, but remember that most people you’ll be living near are lucky if they have one pair of shoes. It is very humbling. Hopefully my suggestions and advice below will help you avoid packing stress as much as possible but help you arrive to Madagascar well-equipped and excited to serve.

So with that being said…

First I’ll need bags…

To get the goods to a location, I’ll need bags. I’m allowed 4; 2 checked and 2 carry-on. The checked bags must weigh less than 50# each. Since I usually pack carry-on only, I bought a large duffel bag. It’s big. It’s sturdy. I know it will get abused. It may fall apart. It may surprise me and last the entire trip and the trip back home. Most likely, it will probably end up as storage.

A hiking backpack. I have my old REI one circa 2010. It’s no longer bright and shiny, but it’s proven itself and has a cover. It can hold a lot of things. An old school-type backpack. Can be stuffed to capacity and carry a weeks’ worth of clothing.

A messenger bag. Good for books, notebooks, official documents, plane snacks, travel pillow.

I use packing cubes to organize the contents of my bags.

Outfits and other stuff

Outfits:

10 tops + 10 bottoms + 1 cold weather base layer

  • 1 nice outfit: 1 nice top + 1 skirt
  • 2 cardigan/blazer things to be worn over regular T-shirts when the occasion calls for it
  • 2 work outfits: 4 T-shirts + 2 skirts
  • 2 casual outfits: 1 T-shirt + 1 pair of casual pants, 1 long-sleeve shirt + 1 pair of yoga pants
  • 2 pairs of scrub pants
  • 3 pairs of capri pants/knee length shorts

Additional Clothing

  • Jackets: 1 rain jacket, 1 fleece jacket
  • Bras: 3 sports bras, 3 regular bra
  • Underwear: as many as I can fit into one packing cube [estimated 20-30 pairs] May be overkill, but I can handle a lot when I have clean underwear
  • Socks: 6 pairs cotton, 6 pair lightweight wool
  • 2 pairs of leggings

Accessories

  • 1 belt: a few years ago I bough a durable leather belt from the men’s section of REI. I’ve never gone back.
  • 1 baseball cap
  • 1 bathing suit:
  • 2 pairs of sunglasses

Shoes

  • 1 pair of Tevas sandals–these are fancy dress-up Tevas
  • 1 pair of Keen sandals
  • 1 pair of hiking shoes
  • 1 pair of flip-flops for showering and around the house

Sleeping Kit

  • Sleeping bag: It’s down, but lightweight REI brand.
  • Sleeping liner: really just a large king sized sheet sewed together to be used when it’s too hot for the bag or in sketchy travel hotels
  • Regular, full-sized pillow. People will think I’m crazy, but I know me
  • Quilt- medium weight bought from Target

Home

  • Cookbook
  • 2 water bottles: a 1L Nalgene and a 24oz stainless steel one
  • Wall hangings USA map, SC flag, and UT flag
  • Umbrella
  • Clothesline. Braided rubber from REI.
  • Housewares: measuring cups, cutting board, knives, vegetable peelers, bottle opener, can opener, ect
  • Drink packets / spices
  • Mug + stainless steel water bottle
  • ziploc bags, plastic storage containers
  • Towels: 1 large quick-dry, 1 small quick-dry
  • flat sheets
  • Gorilla tape roll

Tech

  • Kindle, USB cord, and case
  • Phone, USB cord, and case
  • Mini speaker, USB cord
  • 2 headlamps, one to stay at home; one to stay in the bag
  • USB hub, for all the above
  • Laptop, charger, and case
  • 2 sets of headphones* (nothing fancy, not blue tooth)
  • 2 flash drive
  • Shortwave radio
  • Travel alarm clock
  • Rechargeable AA and AAA batteries.  Not sure if I’ll need D or not so I’m waiting before I purchase them
  • A non- electronic alarm clock

Travel, Study & Fun

  • 4 packs of blank index cards
  • 2 decks of playing cards
  • 2 shopping tote bags
  • Travel purse
  • Pens and pencils
  • Notebooks
  • Blank journals
  • Photo albums of friends and family
  • Snacks
  • small umbrella
  • sunglasses
  • canvas tote bags
  • cards

Toiletries

  • Small bottle of perfume
  • Hand wipes/hand sanitizer
  • Multivitamins
  • Makeup: eye shadow, lipstick, face wipes, face lotion
  • Hair: comb + brush, shampoo + conditioner, bobby pins, hair ties, scissors, dry shampoo
  • Tools: tweezers, nail clippers, razor + blades, make-up brush, Q-tips
  • Dental: toothbrush, toothpaste, floss
  • Body: bar soap, lotion, razor + blades, pumice stone, deodorant, menstrual cup + tampons
  • Eyedrops
  • Mini first aid kit

And that’s it.

Note: At training I’ll be provided with a Peace Corps’ first aid kit. Again, this is my pre-service packing list. Overall I feel pretty good about it, but that’ll change: Things will break; I’ll send things home, and hopefully I will have some awesome friends who will send me things while I’m here.

Stay With Me

‘This will probably be a mistake’ 

I thought to myself as a re-read the text from my ex Michael.

“Come stay with me”, it read.

‘But what the hell. This year has been trying at best, and we haven’t seen each other in over 18 months. Nothing will happen. Besides, it will be nice to see a friendly face’. 

I had this dual conversation with myself with one part trying to talk myself into and the other part trying to talk myself out of meeting Michael the week after Thanksgiving.

Even if nothing happens… even if we don’t meet up, I adore the coast in the off-season, and late November/early December is usually still warm enough to be considered fall. The coast when all the tourists are gone is a different animal than the packed chaos of the summer. Restaurants close. Prices go down.  It’s still warm enough that a walk on the beach barefoot seems like a good idea. Until that breeze blows in off the ocean. Then you know that it is definitely NOT SUMMER any more.

myrtle-beach-november-2005
It’s a *little* less crowded in November than say–July

I didn’t go back home to South Carolina for Thanksgiving. I don’t regret that decision, but it certainly did not make me the popular kid. Being the new kid in town means I work all the holidays people really want off work for. Being an only child means having no siblings to celebrate or commensurate with… also no siblings means there’s no one to give me nieces or nephews to play with, and with my father dying back in May, I don’t think it would be the happiest of occasions anyway.

Anyway… and perhaps against my better judgement, just like on the day we met and just like on the day of our first kiss, I made the decision to meet him. I drove down to Myrtle Beach from Wilmington to stay with him.

Just for the day, I told myself. It’s been a hell of a three months. Loneliness + dealing with a catastrophic natural disaster; sometimes my head hurt from all the knowledge and skills being crammed in it on a seemingly daily basis. Sometimes it’s nice to be with people who really know you, people willing to hold you when you need to be held, and kiss you when you need to be kissed. 

There are parts of my life in South Carolina that I miss; I miss my friends and my kitties. No doubt, I needed to leave when I did. Too many recent bad memories. I needed a fresh start, but by God, it’s hard.  

Should I stay or should I go

Moving to a new city as a 20-something year old introvert who would rather hibernate than go out and meet people is hard. It’s extra hard to meet people working the night shift. Michael is by far my favorite ex-boyfriend, and I really don’t want to date him again, especially since we now live in different states, but my God, it was so good to be with him again.

myrtle-beach-november-2005-3
The incredible blue-ness of the water that you just don’t see during the summer

We did beach-y things like hold walk hands while walking on the beach with me stopping every 5 minutes to snap artsy photos. We had dinner at a local Italian restaurant… once again our hands lingering on top of the table. While he attended conferences, I visited Myrtle Beach State Park. It’s so much more peaceful here than in the busy season.

myrtle-beach-november-2005-1

And we had long, meaningful talks where I implored the universe to ‘show me a sign’. Give me some sort of direction of what I should be doing. In with the new, and out with the old, or keep the old and make new? Please universe, show me a sign.

myrtle-beach-november-2005-2
And then this happened

Clearly it was the universe talking… Now if I only knew what the hell it means…

 

Wake me up when September ends

Remember your why.

People often proffer this advice whenever attempting something hard. Like running a marathon. Or starting, then completing an advanced degree. How about starting a blog. Or a new job. Life is hard, and certain seasons are harder.

You could see the despair in their eyes. The hopelessness. The helplessness. The longing for a life that will never be the same. And me? Well, I was overwhelmed, but I tried not to show it.

The ink on my actual diploma was barely dry. My actual certification was less than two weeks old, and my license to practice had been granted just three days ago. I worked my final shift at the hospital I first started my job in a healthcare career a mere 36 hours before starting my first ‘grown-up’ job. I was scared to leave the secure environment I was in– scared to leave my friends and my supportive co-workers. But growth comes at the end of our comfort zone, and moving 4 hours away to start a job in a pediatric hospital with a level 1 trauma center, level 3 NICU, pediatric cardiac unit, was way, way outside my comfort zone.

I was supposed to start in September

September 12 to be exact, but I graduated August 10, took my licensing exam on the 12th, and was granted my license on August 15. I called my soon-to-be new program, told them my ‘good news’, and my subsequent start date was moved up to the 22nd. So on August 21, at 8am, after a 12 hours shift, I wished a Happy Birthday to my best work bud, and left all I knew behind. Two weeks early. A whole extra ‘adult’ paycheck. Let’s do this.

The job asked for volunteers on Thursday. Despite being employed there for only 4 days, I jumped at the chance to ‘go into the field’. I only hoped I wouldn’t be in the way. I knew enough to know I didn’t know enough to be actually helpful, but I was hopeful I could be of some value.

On Friday afternoon, I packed my backpack. Who really knows what to pack for a natural disaster? I packed as if I were going camping. Tech pants, wool socks, hiking boots, a hat, my Steri-Pen, my (brand-new) stethoscope, and basic some toiletries like a toothbrush. National Guard transported us and we were allowed one bag. On Friday night at 11pm, I and a handful of other healthcare volunteers, were picked up by the National Guard convoy headed to Mississippi. If things went well, we’d be back in about two weeks.

Spoiler alert: Things did not go well

A little hurricane name Katrina made landfall and damn-near wiped New Orleans off the map. Hospital generators failed. Patients died in hospitals and other care facilities. Roofs turned into front porches. And we waited. Waited because we couldn’t advance. Waiting even though people we dying. Waiting for the storm to pass. Which it did–eventually. And then the people came. Without anything. No medical records. No identification. Not even a spare change of clothes.

I triaged more people that I’d ever seen in my life. I saw more death than I’d ever seen in my entire life. South Mississippi looked like a war zone. New Orleans looked worse. But we didn’t make it that far. People came to us broken and tattered, and we did what we could to comfort them. To treat them. To make things normal. But life would never be normal again. Not for anyone Katrina touched. Wake me up when September ends.

Seven years have gone so fast

Seven years passed since that first September when I considered a career in health care until I started in healthcare. At times, it seems as if no time has passed at all. Other times, it seems like a lifetime ago. And that’s the way life is sometimes. Time isn’t linear. Things don’t happen on schedule. People often quit when things get hard and that’s why it’s important to remember the why.

At the risk of sounding obvious, I got into healthcare to help people. But not just anyone. Of course, I will help anyone I can, but what feeds my soul, is being present when disaster strikes. I don’t know what all this means for my future career. But I do know that I’m where I need to be. At least for right now.

 

I May Be Crazy

Life updates

Since my return from Italy, my travel and exploration game has been rather lackluster. I’ve had a few trips along the Carolina Coast and ventured up to the mountains a few times, but let’s be honest, nothing that could be labeled as epic. Oh, and to add some chaos to the mix, I decided to dive back into the academic abyss and pursue a degree in microbiology. As if that wasn’t enough, I even joined the fencing team, attempting to keep up with those energetic 18-20 year olds…well, most of the time. Fast forward to 2008, I found myself back in South Carolina, where I unintentionally stumbled into a romantic entanglement with a guy from my old workplace. You know, just your average, run-of-the-mill routine stuff. But deep down, something felt off. Could it be that I never received the contentment gene that makes people blissfully happy with a “normal” life? As my thirties and beyond loom ahead, it seems I have no real desire to settle down. Not with the frantic pursuit of a medical career, not with the town I’m dwelling in, and if I’m being brutally honest, not even with the guy I’ve somehow landed myself into. What on earth is wrong with me? Ugh, the mysteries of life…

I must confess, I went a bit bonkers with the hair dye and my once-purple locks transformed into a fabulous shade of blue! As if that wasn’t enough, the scorching sun decided to join the party and made it even more vibrant. Who needs a rainbow when my hair can brighten up the whole town?

Blogging beginnings

In my very fist post–way back in 2005, I yapped about how life was getting as stale as a week-old baguette. [ETA: I must confess, that post has taken its final bow and has been deleted. But let’s not dwell on the past, shall we? Because right now, I’m about to spill the beans on that very topic, just above this sentence]. When I first dipped my toes into the mysterious world of blogging in 2005, it was my funky way of figuring out and spilling the tea on life and death, love and loss, endings and beginnings, and all the curveballs that life kept hurling at my face. Back then, I had just flung myself into the real world after college [round one], relocated to a shiny new city, and started my first gig in the healthcare field, where I was moonlighting as a superhero, saving tiny humans, and battling monstrous illnesses. I coped with all these seismic shifts in my life by spilling my guts onto the pages. And going on wild adventures. Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore my job, but let’s be real, if I were to keep at it for the next 35 years, I’d probably go banana-pants bonkers. So here I am, conducting a full-blown examination of my life’s fancy blueprint. And guess what? Brace yourself, folks, because I’m mapping out my most epic escapade to date.

Me–hanging out in the breakroom at work circa 2010? Maybe I’m even planning a trip right there

The ‘other news’–the one where I may be crazy

While opening up the blog to the public is one attempt to stave off the potential mid-life crisis, some may say I’m already in full-blown crisis mode. So, earlier this week, I happened to stumble upon a hidden treasure while surfing the vast ocean called the internet. What, you may ask? an amazing airline deal! Call me impulsive, but without even giving it a second thought, I plunged headfirst into the grand adventure. Lo and behold, I managed to snag a one-way ticket from Charlotte to Caracas, all for the unbelievable price of $99!

Now, let’s address the obvious questions. Have I ever been to Venezuela before? Absolutely not! Did I even have a burning desire to visit Venezuela? Not really. But hey, I studied their history in college and my high school Spanish teacher happened to hail from that very land. So, it’s fair to say that I’m at least equipped with some basic Spanish skills. Plus, I’ve always dreamt of witnessing the majestic Angel Falls with my own eyes. This seems like the perfect opportunity!

Now, you might be wondering: What else will I do in Venezuela? Well, that’s a mystery waiting to be unraveled. Where will I stay? Your guess is as good as mine. And the million-dollar question: Will I be kidnapped by narco-terrorists? Let’s hope not! As for the most pressing question of all—when will I come back? Frankly speaking, I haven’t got a clue. Perhaps I’ll end up hating the place and return within a week. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll fall in love with Venezuela and concoct a plan to stay there forever. Only time will tell!

waterfall
Not Angel Falls

But follow along and see how this little Venezuela adventure plays out..