Elle

I’ve become a Swiftie. Or more accurately, I’ve been playing one Taylor Swift on repeat. Ad nauseam. Chris and I broke up some time ago–in spectacular fashion.And I’ve recently come across this song which perfectly encapsulates the entire saga of Eliza Marie and Chris.

‘You kept me like a secret and I kept you like an oath.’ That line of the song hits so hard, because I was 100% faithful to Chris and he wasn’t. Not just in the obvious way of not starting to date someone else while we were still together, but in the less obvious ways of keeping all his secrets. For better or worse, I’m like a vault. Secrets go in, but I don’t let them out.

The reason all this is coming back up is I recently had a conversation with an old RT classmate who I haven’t seen since graduation. I didn’t even bother to tell her that I’m now a physician–we were never really friends. At first it was surface level catching up–, where do/did you work, that kind of stuff. And it came out that we had worked at the same place at different times and therefore knew a lot of the same people.

“Oh so you probably know my ex then…” she mentioned casually.

‘Maybe. I really didn’t talk to a lot of people when I worked there. Just kind of went to work, did my job, and went home.

‘I bet you did though.His name is Chris. He was the medical director there. Although I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s my ex. We were more like fuckbuddies. I’d still be fucking him if I weren’t in the relationship I’m in now, because that man in bed–he’s something else.’ she chatted on…

It was at that moment I was grateful to be sitting down because I’m quite sure I would have fallen. As it was, I felt the blood drain from my face and then my face get hot. Images of the last time I saw him, standing there at the door in a t-shirt and boxers, green eyes fixed in an expression I’d never seen, hair ruffled, telling me ‘you need to leave. I have company’ flashed through my mind. I could barely manage to keep my composure but I managed to choke out “Oh that’s interesting, I always thought he was gay or bi’.

She prattled on about him definitely NOT being gay, but all I could think of was dancing in the kitchen with the oven light on with music playing lightly in the background or the weekend we spent in the mountains never leaving the converted carriage house except to forage for food. Blankets on the beach with only the stars for lights and salty kisses in the outdoor shower. Cozy conversations in front of the crackling fire. Tigs.

Inside I was breaking. Again.

And I remembered everything about our story all too well.

Chris and I were hanging out at the house and the conversation turned to the future. As it does after dating someone for 2-ish years. So far the biggest hang-up in our relationship is the living apart thing. We are close enough to visit regularly and both have alternative schedules that allow for long blocks of time off instead of just being in a weekend relationship.

“Do you want me to move in with you”

I feel the color drain out of my face. A thousand questions rushed through my mind. What does this mean? I mean we had talked about moving to the same city, but nothing serious. And definitely not about moving in together.

Chris noticed that I suddenly went mute.

“It’s not like I’d be your unemployed boyfriend or anything. I’d get a job. I mean first I’d have to get a license, but after that, definitely a job”

“Where’s this coming from?” I asked Chris because we had never even mentioned moving in together.

“well, your lease in up in about 3 months, correct?” I nodded in the affirm. “You are going to have to move, correct?” Another nod. “So why not us move somewhere together.”

Why not indeed?

Perhaps before Chris uproots his life and moves states for me I should tell him I’ve been accepted to medical school.

Everclear: Unemployed Boyfriend

Long-distance relationships are not easy.. I don’t think it would be possible without cellphones and pagers. A quick “RU UP?’ lets us chat at 3a. I think everyone can agree on that. It’s even more challenging when one person works night shift and the other works 24-hour shifts. The best thing about our schedules is that it allows for some chunks of time off that we can spend together. Also 3am is not the time for overthinking; for us, it’s when people [babies on my end; adults on his] have finally gone to sleep.

Hospitals are a weird place anyway.  In some ways, time stops. We’re still living in the 1990s with our reliance on pagers and cellphones. Technology and 3am calls keep us together, but I miss the days when we worked together and Chris would hang out in my office and we could talk about random things in person. What I wouldn’t give to be able to see him as I hear him. Its so strange to have seen him this very morning at the bookstore and yet know it will be 2-3 weeks before we see each other again.

I wonder if it will always be this way. In order for me to do pursue my passion, I have to give up on another port of my life. It was a thorn in the relationship with Justin as well. Everything was great in the beginning until we started about the future. While I could do my job in major city with a teaching hospital, I can’t move every year. And while Justin was a NHL player, players can be traded in season and out. And after his playing career, he was all about going back home to Canada. And that just left me out in the cold. Better to have ended it sooner rather than later, I guess.

Chris and I grew up literally 5 minutes apart. Neither of us wanted to every go back We worked together for 3 years before he said he liked me. Why couldn’t he have said this before I moved away.. Now our lives revolve around cellphones and pagers and the odd hospital schedules

On March 15, I went on a date with Chris. You know what they say about the Ides of March. Actually, that has nothing to do with anything. It’s just a convenient way too keep track of the date.

The pretext was that Chris asked to see my photos from my recent trip to Italy. He’d ordered Italian food, bread, pasta, and even tiramisu for desert. He transformed the call room into a picnic of sorts– as if you can have a picnic in a hospital. After dinner we screencast my photos to the TV, and we toured Italy. Me for the second time in a month.

And I felt something. I’m not sure what it was. But after Jeremy. And James. And even Justin, spending the evening with Chris was a different.

We toured the Alps in Turin. And sailed the canals of Venice. Admired art in Florence and hiked villages in Cinque Terre. We made our way to Rome and ate our bodyweight in pasta, pizza, and gelato. Then we hopped a train down to Sorrento and Naples–birthplace of pizza.

And then Chris asked me the million dollar question, “Why did you go alone?”

I’ve rehearsed this answer a million times. Is a question I get from nearly everyone.

“I’d rather go alone than never go at all. And I’m not going to sit by waiting for ‘someone’ to go with me.”

“But aren’t you worried?”

“About what? People? Travel? Being by myself. No, I’m not. I travel 4 hours to see you. I’ll travel 9 to see David. Or eat gelato. Or see Mt. Kilimanjaro. There’s is a whole big world out there and I want to see as much of it as possible”

But Chris was hearing nothing I said.

“You drove 4 hours to see me?”

“Well, it’s 4 hours between here and there. And I live and work there. And what reason do I have to be here. Other than you”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh”

Chris looked at me. I looked everywhere except those green eyes of his.

“Eliza, …”

“Chris” we both spoke at the same time. I kept on “I have to go. I’ve already stayed too long. And it’s a 4 hour drive home.”

I gathered up my stuff and headed for the door. I reminded myself I was still in a hospital. I’ve already had one relationship begin and end within the confines of the hospital walls. This is how people get a certain kind of reputation. All these thoughts were going through my mind when Chris placed his hand on my shoulder, and as I turned around, he kissed me.

Soft and gentle at first, kinda questioning if this was the right thing. Then with a lot more urgency. probing, even.

A kiss can mean so many things. But what did this kiss mean. After 3 years of being co-workers and casual friends…after moving 250 miles away, dating in a new city, finding a job I really, really enjoy (and I’m good at!) NOW, TODAY is the day he decides to do something.

It was a really good kiss, though.

Sixpence None the Richer: Kiss Me